Thu, feb, 19’s weather report.

 So blogging regular again mostly because I need to stretch my intellectual muscles? Or, potential verbal reflexes? to stay engaged with the current state of the apocalypse: till me and other people like me (the disabled who will be rounded up and put in concentration camps).

I think my social nature is kinda dying. I take care of my bird and little friend Luna and send these messages in a bottle across the waves of eternity to share and that is most of what I need at this point in my life.

I spent this morning painting miniatures for a crew of five parsecs from home. So I Can play the game in the next couple of weeks.

I have mostly recovered from the flu/cold I have been suffering from for most of this week.

Though I feel a bit scatter brained as if part of me will never fully recover from the damage of the past week. Mostly on a breathing level.

I have also decided to restart working on Grim Metal Bedlam my miniature skirmish game that the play test rules are on itch under drew freak.

The campaign is what is missing. But the basic mechanisms of play are fairly well established in the current draft up on that site.

The end goal for the game is two fold to have a game to play with all the miniature I collect and to have a framework of meditating on and engaging with a setting I originally designed for a novel I may or may not ever get around to writing.

Other than that I don’t think I will ever be a great game designer. The esper trooper an there psychic powers are heavily influenced by favorite skirmish game and it’s magic system.

The percentile system with advantage and disadvantage is a psychological framework I used to call mathology. A simple probability system of short handing a mathematical equivalent to a circumstance. Combined with a coin toss reversal system based on advantage or disadvantage.

It all really simple and made to be so. I hope that I can structure a campaign around that series of mechanism in the next few months.

What has been holding me back is I like 3d miniatures (not just paper minis) and I can not sculpt them myself at this time so I working a version of the campaign that is vague enough that I may be able to make it usable with most settings.  While reminding myself I am not limiting the original setting I made the game to document. It is simply a framework to play with a series of tropes and ideas.

So that is one part of the day. I am going to try to post on this blog random film reviews and poems as always. But these weather reports (in tribute to David Lynch and his daily vlog) will be more personal I am trying to type a personal daily journal and then share it. Yes I know I am likely filtering to some extent. But that being said I am earnestly trying to heal my brain from my disorder. And I find unnatural honesty the only real weapon against psychosis. But fair warning if it has the weather reports and the dat on the blog title expect something more rambling like this. I will try not to post on this blog more than three times a day but I really need to vent and express some things.

I don’t exactly trust sharing on social media anymore. Blogs are not social I am framing this as a literary journal and a framework of talking to myself in public.

A way to stay engaged without the damage that tends to come from socializing. 

I wished I had organized the other five hundred posts of this blog years ago but it is too daunting a task to correct at this point.  I understand I am performing at the keyboard while also being mentally ill. I think the next step in my life is a kind of radical about the nature of delusions so I can heal and move forward.

Though I tried to read older posts recently and do feel that I have made quite a bit of progress over the years. I still think there is a lot of psychological violence on this blog… in the poetry… in the autobiographical elements… in my self conscious dismissal of a sense of self worth.

The subjective nature of how, I as a schizophrenic and how that complicates how I relate to objective experience will never change. There will always be be an edge of doubt to the footing I have on my memories and experience of the moment.

That being I want burn my soul in a way… to sweat the madness. Most of my active symptoms have stopped a decade ago because of regular medication. So what is left is the passive symptoms… no longer am I struggling with hallucinations on a daily basis so much as the repercussion of prior psychosis.

I know this is getting long and while I am overcafinnated at the moment.  I will probably hit my wall soon on how much I Can type. I am a fragmented soul taking picture of those fragments even sometimes all I capture is a flash of light in fragmented glass. 

I am always in a friction with a compulsion to create and a need to understand what life is what God wants for us through it. While I don’t know how to answer any of the major themes of life. I think it is our duty to fail and try again till what needs doing is done. 

I think a lot of my buddies on mastodon are who read this blog. Though I don’t engage much on there other than sharing the odd project or blog post at this time. And a major part of that is not knowing how to deal with the past. How do we move forward when the world is at its wits end?

I want friends but I don’t have many social skills and been burned enough items that I only hope as far as the next hour on what I long for.

On that rambling code of this weather report I will say peace and love.

And be safe out there friend.