On the apocalypse.

 I think it was fourteen years ago when I thought God intervened on my behalf. I still do. I think he saved me though I don’t understand why. Or, to what purpose.  

The cliff notes of it is I heard voices often my radio addressing me directly sometimes it would as Alice Cooper sometimes as other stranger voices. I woke and saw a red light anathromorphic spirit staring down at me I felt possessed by it and went back to sleep when I woke up I left and lived in a Walmart parking lot for a week until the regional manager told me I had to leave.  Then I spent most of a year or so fasting. Until I had fasted forty days and forty nights.

I thought I was the Anti-Christ which I no longer think (and I was never told I was I just assumed I was the worst life that ever lived). But still, though, I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia The narrative cohesiveness of those memories make it hard for me to dismiss as my mental illness.

You can tell how much it means to me by how consistent these memories are. 

I had distinct vision of paradise and one of the opposite place of black skies and fire everywhere. I was told Zazen wouldn’t save me though from what was coming. I remember nuclear weapons going off and something stopping them.

It was all very distinct in my mind. I have never really recovered Whenever I pick up a book that is not the Bible it can be hard to focus on it. Or, anything else for that matter all of life is so trivial. SO fragile so transient. I try to acknowledge that fragility by sitting with who I was as much as I can.

Child hood memories recalled to the point they seem alien. Try to piece it all together if only because at the end of the day in my heart I think it will all be over soon. 

The trivial toy solders I paint and the games write will be left behind. We may not rember this life any better than a bad dream we woke up from. Or potentially it will haunt us for eternity. I don’t know of a way I can articulate to anyone with a hardened heart. But I diluted myself into thinking something was required of me for saving others… but still we show up if only so we can take part in the singing of a hymn.