The Sock-Monkey As Alone

 I am getting close to forty... things ain't gone the way I wished they did. I thought I had to create when I was only making noise for myself. it was productive and healthy for me psychologically.     I am drawing lately, working on comics again.    I don't know what to say I been listening classic hip hop albums for five hours and now listening the love below by andre 3000.  I think when I had gone a week without food and fantasized about impressing DRE with my music... I really could not handle how delusional I was till maybe five minutes ago.   Music has been slowing down for me. I did what I did for better or worse. I made what I made over a thousand songs. Most people hate it. but I did my best.    be safe out there friends. peace and love. 

  I have been reading the 7 books in the catholic Bible missing from the Protestant Bible and playing retro games.   I don’t know why I feel obliged to write on this blog at five in the morning other than Luna (my pet cockatiel) is asleep so I can not make to much noise for the next few hours. I think I will start on lunar two eternal blue tonight. I have played the extended demo disc that came with vanguard bandits back in the working design days. I really loved it playing that demo disk stuck with me as one of my favorite video game memories even more than some actual game’s I have completed. And yes I have been thinking about the game since I got the pet bird… that I named after a character from a demo disc to a game I never completed. That is one of the stranger things about life. The things that stick with us, are not necessarily the things we had. Sometimes our aspirations carry as much weight as our experiences.  There are so many things I wished I had do...

  I have a lot on my mind and most of it I don’t think I should say. It has to do with the end times and the responsibility of repentance. The cliff note of it is this: I want to write books and pursue creative stuff… but I feel like that is my arrogant mortal coil fighting to find something to defend about my insipid feeble dreams. I don’t know what God wants me to do. I have thought about fasting and prayer to ask him but at this point, I just don’t know. I am getting along the best I Can and I been short of breath when I wake up in the morning.  It’s all so frustrating trying to find something in the morning to cling to too… and it’s so fragile and none of it has to do with what I want. The only thing is to accept God’s will in what is going on in the world and do our best to find somekind of peace in it. Other than that I been reading the stand by Stephen King. It’s one of my favorite books, but deep down I know I should be reading scripture and praying. I just am ...

  Been really depressed and showing symptoms of psychotic tendency’s which is never a good time.   My jaw on the left side of my face is swelling… didn’t notice till I shaved this morning. So a bit of a roughy start to today. I have been thinking about the seeming apocalypse both personal and objective. I mean the blood moon and all that stuff sign of the end times. And it dawned on me I wasn’t gaining anything from keeping myself writing a daily blog. I like writing I like sharing but we all run out of stuff to say.  I have spent most the last week rereading john blanches autobiography and building mdf terrain for war games. I paired a couple of toy soldiers.  The thing about the end is it only happens once… and none of know what side of it we are going to come out on. So it may very well be… just to pretend it’s not happening a find enjoyment and stress in their natural season. I mean I am kinda of the games of life I am tired of paranoia and stress and o...

  Had nightmares all of the nights. But slept far too much: nearly fifteen hours. I woke up and watched the Wes Anderson movie   The Royal Tenenbaums. It was always one of my favorite movies and my favorite Wes Anderson movies. It’s about east coast over achievers and the absurd tragedy protégés face for the rest of their lives as they face a world that will judge the worst of the world on a spectrum of achievement and the slightly above average… with the same contempt.  The comedy is nuanced jokes on the public broadcast television crowd. An educated class that whole identity is founded on aspirations of slight over achievement rather than that of punk rock culture that wallows in its underachiever status. I always related to Owen Wilsons character wanting to fit in more than any of the inspirational middle class but always being a charming punk (not necessarily the rock n roll kind.)  Once even I had a review of my writing say I was not like Edgar’s Allan P...

  So I missed several days back to back mostly from being tired. Been helping my family a lot lately. I have also been rather obsessed with getting an emotional support animal. Mostly because I get really depressed when I get home and am alone for a couple of days. I mostly slept yesterday and stayed up watching old fantasy movies today. I have about finished the first volume of the lord of the rings the fellowship of the ring. I really enjoy older soft magic system approaches to fantasy. I am hoping to get a cockatiel next months or later this month right now thinking of naming it ikit or max if it’s a male bird or Luna if it’s female. Not a lot to add all II have done is sleep and be paranoid of being stalked. It doesn’t really matter it’s a symptom of my diagnosis so it may very well be in my head. I am anxious and excited to get my shot of antipsychotic soon. Still been on a warhammer kick. I took a break from painting miniatures for a few weeks but am excited to get ba...

  “Lord Jesus the son of God have mercy on me a sinner.” - the Jesus prayer. I don’t know what I am going to say other Jesus is lord. He is the messiah. The son of God. The beginning and the end. I cannot fathom what is happening in the world. All I know is the end is near. I think it is the biblical apocalypse… I think the lord will return… it scares me as much as gives me hope. In my heart I feel guilty of so much I can’t understand. My arrogance in my thoughts… and the blasphemy in my mind. I try to override my evil inclinations with the Jesus prayer. Though I know works don’t save us… works are the fruit of the tree of faith. Without works a tree is dead and ready to be fed into the fire.   But the Lord forgives those who he will, and he is just. Faith in the lord is knowing we are not the lord. We cannot serve the world of greed and lust and the lord our God. We are ether for the truth of the lord OR against the truth of the lord. If you are unsure then there is a...