the pitiful attempts (revision)

“The mind is the shadow of the light it seeks.”
                                 - Jim Dodge

  "Man is nothing like God; not only are our powers limited, but sometimes we are forced to become the Devil himself."

- Nicholas D. Wolfwood

the pitiful attempts

  energy drinks and cigarettes

    memories of four loco in Florida

I am not in my right mind anymore.

Remembering my voice shout

      "If I was you I would knock me the fuck out."

  and my friend's voice "turn your head sideways."

        The impact a small bruise for me

           and a cracked knuckle for him

Or, a lifetime, finite poetry.
 A lifetime of being...
...of collapsing into ellipsis...
of being told my confidence is founded on the delusion
of violent outbursts that threaten the progress
        of music.
hearing harmony when there is none
and confusing dissonance
                        with carrying a tune
of thought spirals
   looping
     vainly
       for my attention
I don't know what I am thinking
  What I am writing
    or if I want too. (even the revision is confused.)

I failed at everything even suicide.

I failed at empathy in the cringe.

I hate all of this

I hate

       but still,

My hate is for exclusion or cancel culture.

      solipsism is at it's worst

when you are told "this is who you are"
   from a voice, no one else has to listen too
and it's familiarity makes you sick.