the pitiful attempts

“The mind is the shadow of the light it seeks.”
                                 - Jim Dodge

 
the pitiful attempts by me at asserting my masculinity
  energy drinks and cigarettes
I am not in my right mind anymore.
Or, a lifetime, finite poetry.
 A lifetime of being...
...of collapsing into ellipsis...
of being told my confidence is founded on the delusion
of violent outbursts that threaten the progress
        of music.
hearing harmony when there is none
and confusing dissonance
                        with carrying a tune
of thought spirals
   looping
     vainly
       for my attention
I don't know what I am thinking
  What I am writing
    or if I want too.
I failed at everything even suicide
I hate all of this
I hate
       but still, solipsism is at it's worst
when you are told "this is who you are"
   from a voice, no one else has to listen too
and it's familiarity makes you sick.