losing is not a form of winning.

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Hi, how are you? I am alone. I feel a disconnection from hope on a fundamental level. I am disappointed in myself as an artist and a person. On having any meaningful connection with another human being. on being a cringe cliche (inept without being a comedian) of desperation that clings to any interaction as an opportunity for meaningful change. I relate to all who are disenfranchised but find that I am always alone. I understand that happiness is not something I can rely on and think that maybe I should give up on self-expression even as a casual hobby. At least as I am lost in a sea of frustration. I feel like God hates me. I know what I deserve and as all truth it is ambiguous.
   So much of life is a disappointment. So much of life is learning to laugh at yourself. So much of life is longing. So much of life is hurting. So much of life is anxiety.
   I told a bad joke once that goes "If I kill myself on youtube it would get two views three weeks later." It wasn't funny. I am not funny (inept without being a comedian.) Yet I try to laugh it all off as I face violent compulsions and thoughts I can not align with if only because I have to believe in decency. I have to believe I am a victim and that if I suffer enough god will forgive me for being alive.  That maybe people want to be ashamed of me because I deserve it. I am rambling and I try not to do that on this blog anymore. I am sorry most of all that I can't be happy and healthy. That I am the problem. Just me. Yet expression and information loss are the currency of this world. We all say things that are forgotten. We all say things we regret. It's just a lot of noise. I want silence, not suicide I want peace, not rage. Yet like all things my desires are not part of the discussion.
   I am honestly not that depressed. I have been taking my fluoxetine and buspirone regularly I am not a threat to myself or others. I am just sorry I can't help people who are. The system is corrosive and isolating. I am trying to be productive and not lose my mind again. It is the only thing I have left but I am sane enough to not feel hope. To think that my life will improve. I am sane enough to understand that every pyramid has a top and bottom. That people like me beta-males, followers, allow for there to be success stories that like opium keep us holding up the top. I am grateful for all the kindness I do not deserve. Regretting only that it is more than I deserve.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BuQG6_evFc8

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