I don't give a rats ass about your common sense.

 "there is nothing a loser like you can teach me about living with shame."
                                                                             - Mugen, (Samurai Champloo).

So I have been productive, but it doesn't change anything. I have been gentle, but that makes you fragile. The whole thing about life is it is made of contradictions. One of them is that we choose to believe in absolutes when we can pick and choose. Without even the understanding for most that we can't follow traditions without the self-getting in the way. Or put another way we are always an island till the ocean takes us. We can follow the rules of the other islands (or to make this metaphor really literal) make alliances with our neighbors but still, you will be you, and I will be me. The ocean takes everything be it the void or the light we always return to where we came from.
    I have failed at everything in my life even my suicide attempts. I have done bad things and did not have to pay for what I did. I have been cut so many times by the ones I love that it is the only way I feel secure. Yet for some naive reason, I believe somewhere just beyond the Walmart oz is waiting. Yeah, I am an idiot. But ultimately that like everything else is something I can't seem to change or wouldn't if I could.
    I am afraid that one day my love of not being politically correct will sincerely damage my ambition to be kind to everyone I meet. That everything has a beginning and an end and one day I will have to defend something that I said to be edgy or funny, and I won't be found worthy of redemption.
It is emo, but the thing is it is also honest. The perfect world scares me because at the end of the day I should not be welcome in it. Not because life is unfair but because it sometimes is.
    The amount of madness of existence for a zen Christian like me (a gnostic pantheist with zen proclivities to be specific.)  is sadly based off the contradiction of my alternating belief in the temporary existence of zen, and the eternal one of the Christian faith is not all that incongruent to me, but I am crazy so take it all with a grain of salt.
In closing, there is an apocryphal story of Dogen that says he was asked by a student what they should meditate on while they were taking a dump. But Dogen in his zen master way said without hesitation "let that shit go." and that is all we can do with anything.