delusions of a desperate heart.

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Have you ever loved someone...you see them regularly. Not as much as you want but enough to hurt. Enough to try to be better but knowing that has nothing to do with how little they care. With how little you mean to them. You can't talk about the one thing that is on your mind because you want to respect there bounderies. You have to say something and can't use there name because you made a promise.

I have so many delusions...I tried to save the universe and all I was is a crazy man pacing in his room talking to his radio. But i laid in that bed not eating for most of a year trying to change my fate and how I perceived the world. I almost died for hope. I lay there feeling my body shutting down and none of it makes since. Not what I did. Not what I am doing. Not how I feel. Not anything. The people I have talked to who know me laugh and have said that I was trying to make the newer testament. And you know what today I reached a point feeling ok. Ok with my failings and being to both cry and laugh at them. Knowing that I can't rely on reality.

I don't even know what love is. I don't know what is the answer. I don't even know why I waisted my life other than I am clinically insane. I tried to do the impossible and am a joke because of it. I am really tired to day. The last seven years have been slow and comfortable. But you know how I feel I talk to you enough. This is a letter of sorts to say yes I know you don't feel the same. Yes I can respect that. Yes I would rather see you and hurt then not see you at all. But God I wish I could let you know how much you have helped me. 

In closing this cringe rant is me trying to say I am not sorry I tried, I am not sorry I failed and most of all I am not even sorry how pathetic and desperate of a man i have become. No i am only sorry that the tricks my mind plays on me include the hope that i succeeded. And living with the conviction of that delusion that I am suffering because, well it was part of the deal. Part of a promise. One I am not comfortable discussing but having know her has made it worth it. Even if she only cares because it's her job.

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