death lesson - 30
Weeping stone angels.
Or, the life and times of Mason Andrew Freak.
"People do things they can't live with, but they go on living." -David Lynch.
He was fat and had a green mohawk like the ones found on those who serve in the air force. Vulgar was his natural aesthetic. Insane his natural disposition. He was a freak and chose that word as his family name.
The field he stood in was a place of shattered dreams, A sand lot of forgotten childhood and VHS tapes watched until they bubbled and ripped. A place that disagreed with him. He looked around (feeling watched), but couldn't find out who was stalking him.
His trech coat flapping in the wind, with it's turtle neck hiding his face from below his eyes. his eyes changed colors. his eyes were ominouse. The sinister if antisocial creature stomped off as his black converse sneakers kicked up a trail of dust. He looked like he weighed three hundred pounds and was twelve years old. He was looking for someone, and he thought the anwser to the problem was a missing girl, Sara. Who was she? what was her importance? He did not know but, he felt fate pulling him to her. "sara" he though to himself. than wen't to the place she had told him to wait for her. he sat on the pavement of the street sucking on a tootsipop.
He had heard of her in his dream and followed them. He could see particles of light in the corners of his eyes, telling him where to walk. Where she was. He always felt like he was fainting. Always on the verge of knowing whatever was going on. Waking up? Pick one the whole business of what he thought resisted him. He waited, staring at the sky, fat, and silly-looking as the black clouds that drifted across it. Thinking that possibly it would come to nothing, he emailed her, and she had written back saying "wait there." Staring at his cell-phone waiting, delirious with a desire to dissect his own anxiety.
A rocket elevator descends from the sky with an aluminum Christmas tree on the top of it making it resemble a missile. The thing was dull black breathing slow and meticulously. There was a large eye on the side of it, then another and finally a last one. They are an equal distance apart. The elevator looked like a squid with three eyes and all of its tentacles chopped off.
Drew was afraif feeling a connection to the madness that was to comfotble to be scary. He watched as a door formed out of one of the sides like it was being pealed away like handfulls of clay. And there she stood naked, sara. She smiled and waved at him while he bit his tung trying to stop himself from getting a boner and when this didn't seem to be working he put his thumbnail under the fingernail of hi ring finger on his right hand, digging in till he though of nothing but thte pain so that he could stand in her presence without embarcinghimself.
"Hi, how have you been?" she said " I am good," he said. Than he walked up to the entrance where she stood and awakward started to climb up the side, as his belly was getting in the way. "do you need any help?" she said "No I think I can make it," though his fac was red with embaracement as he climbed three feet off of the ground into the "time and space elevator." as sara would say, and awakwardly avoided looking at her. "so why were you looking for me?" she said. "well I read you blog and just had to know how much of it was true... now to think of it why did you come to get to me?" "honestly, the universe is going to end and you are at the center of it." Drew looked at sara his dead dog eyes empty of everything but curiohesty.
Part 2 Sara's blog
February 3, 2018
Sure am scared of my dad.
So I am sixteen and pregnant! Who would have thought that having sex with an overconfident asshole was a bad idea? Neil King (and no that is not his real name but a combination of my two favorite writers names. And if your curious as to why just look at the name of my blog...sure am scared of my dad? ...you better believe it. So all names used on this treacherous piece of crap are fictional. The rest is, sadly, real.) got me pregnant and as much as I like the movie Juno the world doesn't operate on the idealistic level as fiction.
I don't know how far along I am and I really don't care. I am about to grab a coat hanger and impale myself, so I don't have the guilt of these questions or the fear for my life that comes with missing a period.
As far as I can tell condoms have failed me and I am too scared to approach any of the people who should help because they won't. Not much I can do but vent to the internet so a bunch porn watching white males can tell me how to live my life (and no there is nothing wrong with porn, personally I wish all my problems were tits and clits because than I wouldn't have to worry about having to get married to someone just because of the fact that I wanted some of the gratifications that come from not sucking on balls.)
So as you can probably tell I am not some happy fuck of a princess that wants some fat man in overhalls to save me from the dragon that is holding my life hostage. All I want is to decide and to think about choosing.
My first decision was not to tell Neil a damn thing. One, because it's his fault and two, it is my body. Hopefully, things are going to get better, but that is not how I intrinsically feel about the future. For you uneducated fools in the world, I live in Tennessee, which means I have to have a parent or guardian to consent to me having an abortion. Which means in simple terms, I don't even have the option. So I am left with resentment and anger.
It ain't the kid's fault, and whatever happens, I can't blame her or him no matter how it all turns out. I just wish I understood the logic of jerks rationalizing that I am not intellectually ready to make a decision when my body is demanding that I am prepared by the very fact that it is a likely outcome.
The whole logic is like "hey merry Christmas you got a ps4 for Christmas. But since your not responsible enough to appreciate the games we think it is a good idea to give you this knowing you can plug it in and play but instead you are going to wait till your married so the games will have meaning." and no the metaphor isn't the most relevant, but I can just imagine some bible-thumping moron who has never read a book. Much less trust his conviction that the book he hasn't read is the "holy word of god." Commenting or cyberstalking me because of some misplaced delusion that he is doing the lords work just cause he feels like pretending he is the lord.
February 25, 2018
an abortion from god.
Terrible things happen...I had a dream last night that was like watching a movie. There were five cartoon characters (anthropomorphic brightly colored animals.), and they reached inside of me, took out my baby, and it was a fetus and ate it in front of me. I woke up crying, "but that's my baby!" in a soft-murmur feeling sweat and feeling what I found out was blood all over my bed. I have had a miscarriage, or maybe just a chemical pregnancy.
I am still not talking to Neil as far as I can tell, the whole thing is, his fault. Is it a delusion? Sure why not but I feel at times those things can be healthy. They just are not called what they are by the believer because of a lack of perspective. But people go on with these tiny acts of faith thinking my plane won't go down, but when the jumbo-jet gives out, and people are quite literally falling from the sky the only thing you can do is cling to the delusion of "it's not happening to me." till you feel the impact of steel fuel and the earth you have denied. The ability to deny what is happening for better or worse keeps us alive until it doesn't.
When I started this blog, I thought it was going to my confession of my world dissolving in the oppression of a male system. A system of entitlements and control. Yet what I have found is the chaos that underlies all the terror that is the heart of that old anti-Semite Lovecraft can sometimes be salvation. The irony is not anything but a coping mechanism, and that is what I believe even if it is a delusion...how ironic?
March 4, 2018
The symptom of nature.
I got a message on my email and a text on my cell at the same time. The words were the same "How does it feel to be a symptom of nature?". Of course, I ignored it but then my phone ring, and it was from the same number that texted me. It rang until I answered it what I heard was a weak helium voice asking that same stupid question "how does it feel to be a symptom of nature?"I wanted to say "hey, fuck off, creep!" but I was too scared.
I went looking for my father to tell him about it, but he wasn't in the house. I went out into the yard when it donned on me the world was glowing, and there was no light. I am unsure if it started to change as I opened the door to the outside world but it didn't matter the whole thing had changed. I saw where the sun used to be was my baby distant and purple glowing faint enough to see it but not enough to hide the stars. It was like that thing in 2001 coming to the earth for whatever self-righteous reason, but this one had grown inside of me but was now purple and as big as the moon. Its face turned towards me slow as a lunar eclipse, but I couldn't move. Its lips mouthed out, and I heard a ghost whisper in my ear "your my mom."
I ran to my room and locked the door with everything around me glowing like deep ocean aquatic-life there was no warmth from the light of the door, or it's nob when I touched them, and the darkness between the lights was failing against the lights. Then I heard a knock at the door, and my heart was in my ears. Every pulse a war-drum telling me it was time die. I grabbed my hockey stick from when I was a little athlete as a kid. And waited. the knock on the door returned, but this time, it was accompanied by that helium voice bellowing out, "how does it feel to be a symptom of nature?" I screamed out, "who the fuck are you?" I could see shadows on the glowing floor beneath the door and then hear in the nasal warble of helium "...We are nature..." before I could ask who we are the dissolved into a green flowing sand like a curtain spread open. In front of me were five cartoon creatures all no more than half as tall as me.
March 5, 2018
Goodbye ambition.
Things have changed in the last twenty-four hours (as if they ever stay the same.) The little rejects (and I say that as a term of endearment.) from cool world (starring Brad Pitt!) world are taking me across the cosmos. I don't know what is real or fake and really don't care. I live in a spaceship now with a bunch freaks that look like they are from some underground comics artist that really loved the Fletcher brothers rotoscoping technique.
How did I get to this point? I talked to them, back when I first saw them in my room. The hockey stick splintered and fell to the floor as dust. Then they made me a proposition. They told me they needed a mom and that I was the one they wanted. They said that I would never die and get to see more of the universe than anyone else and all I had to do was take my clothes off. At first, I flat out refused, but I heard their voice inside of my head not all at once, but one staring a sentence and another finishing it till all of them had spoken. "We are sexless, we are gods. We have no need for your body. All we ask is that you do something you would hate because we are sadists." "well as reassuring as that is I kind of want to go home." "you are home," they said. "we have waited for you for an aeon yet you are already with us." The next thing I remember was looking back at my clothes on the floor. As walked down the hall to a futter unknown.
So that is how I got here with the "older-ones." Is it silly, yes? Absurd, I hope so. They told me I could continue my blog (I am writing it from the computer on their ship), but honestly, I just wanted to say goodbye. And I have done that and as my children need me, you may or may not see me in the future if you read this. Captains log stardate whatever I will see you on the other side.
part 3
It just was what was happening, drew was disappointing. He couldn't see the thing, the the thing he wanted to see. So he kept his fingernails pinneratreing each other all in a desire to control the uncomfortable impulse to touch her. The inside of the ship had the texture of clay, cold and and strong. The inside smelled like hot fish but not cooked fish. A rotting maggot like smell made drew almost throw up. "How do you live with that smell!" The words slow and flowing like a stream. "Here." She said and she grabbed some Vaseline from a table by the door and smeared some under Drews nose though he flinched and whispered "what are you doing?" Than closed his eyes and began to cry, she grabbed his chin firmly in her hands and made him look her in the eyes as she said "look at me." His eyes opened reluctantly and all the old feelings were still there, he looked her in the eyes and said "ok" she smears the Vaseline under his nose than a spotlight shown on her from nowhere and he saw her pubes, he saw her beasts and her cunt, he stood there feeling no shame as the junior kimbrough song started playing "release me." Sara stood there and sang the song while there wrre tears in Drews eyes and Sara singing like she singing lead in a band at a prom somewhere middle America in the 1960s, southern united states. After the song was over Sara made a face like she was disgusted with herself. Than she said "oh well its your dream." Than she flipped off the cieling and said, "don't take it personal things like that happen around here," than they started walking down the hall, "so what have you been doing before you read my blog?" "I can't remember my life before I read your blog." Said drew. "Don't you think that is a little odd?" Said sara.
He did but the question never overwhelmed him, he never felt desperate to pursue the truth. while he was confused he was also just 14 years old and bratty. They went down one long anxious hallway to another. when sara stopped and knocked on a door. "who is it!" shouted out a helium voice. "oh you know who it is." said sara. the door opened revealing a cartoon dog with green skin and a blue mowhawk. "so this is him?" "yup" she said "well where is the tranquilizer?" "he doesn't know yet." she said. "know what?" said drew "your dreaming and we are going to keep you sleep, so the multiverse doesn't end." Drew said nothing. "you have been asleep and for eternity and will be till the end of days. you are, not real on one level and your dreaming this right now, we collect your dreams." drew looked passed the cartoon dog and saw that someone who looked just like him was laying on a slab. "that is you, you are here to bear witness to the dream continuing. you will dispear ounce your host goes back into a deeper sleep, but you will do it so the universe continues." drew nodded and said nothing, they handed him a suringe and he walked over to the one dreaming him and injecte him with the serum. than felt the light began swallow his vision. and soon enough he was as all dreams done. until one day he will refuse to be the sacrifice for all other dreams and the universe will end.
Or, the life and times of Mason Andrew Freak.
"People do things they can't live with, but they go on living." -David Lynch.
He was fat and had a green mohawk like the ones found on those who serve in the air force. Vulgar was his natural aesthetic. Insane his natural disposition. He was a freak and chose that word as his family name.
The field he stood in was a place of shattered dreams, A sand lot of forgotten childhood and VHS tapes watched until they bubbled and ripped. A place that disagreed with him. He looked around (feeling watched), but couldn't find out who was stalking him.
His trech coat flapping in the wind, with it's turtle neck hiding his face from below his eyes. his eyes changed colors. his eyes were ominouse. The sinister if antisocial creature stomped off as his black converse sneakers kicked up a trail of dust. He looked like he weighed three hundred pounds and was twelve years old. He was looking for someone, and he thought the anwser to the problem was a missing girl, Sara. Who was she? what was her importance? He did not know but, he felt fate pulling him to her. "sara" he though to himself. than wen't to the place she had told him to wait for her. he sat on the pavement of the street sucking on a tootsipop.
He had heard of her in his dream and followed them. He could see particles of light in the corners of his eyes, telling him where to walk. Where she was. He always felt like he was fainting. Always on the verge of knowing whatever was going on. Waking up? Pick one the whole business of what he thought resisted him. He waited, staring at the sky, fat, and silly-looking as the black clouds that drifted across it. Thinking that possibly it would come to nothing, he emailed her, and she had written back saying "wait there." Staring at his cell-phone waiting, delirious with a desire to dissect his own anxiety.
A rocket elevator descends from the sky with an aluminum Christmas tree on the top of it making it resemble a missile. The thing was dull black breathing slow and meticulously. There was a large eye on the side of it, then another and finally a last one. They are an equal distance apart. The elevator looked like a squid with three eyes and all of its tentacles chopped off.
Drew was afraif feeling a connection to the madness that was to comfotble to be scary. He watched as a door formed out of one of the sides like it was being pealed away like handfulls of clay. And there she stood naked, sara. She smiled and waved at him while he bit his tung trying to stop himself from getting a boner and when this didn't seem to be working he put his thumbnail under the fingernail of hi ring finger on his right hand, digging in till he though of nothing but thte pain so that he could stand in her presence without embarcinghimself.
"Hi, how have you been?" she said " I am good," he said. Than he walked up to the entrance where she stood and awakward started to climb up the side, as his belly was getting in the way. "do you need any help?" she said "No I think I can make it," though his fac was red with embaracement as he climbed three feet off of the ground into the "time and space elevator." as sara would say, and awakwardly avoided looking at her. "so why were you looking for me?" she said. "well I read you blog and just had to know how much of it was true... now to think of it why did you come to get to me?" "honestly, the universe is going to end and you are at the center of it." Drew looked at sara his dead dog eyes empty of everything but curiohesty.
Part 2 Sara's blog
February 3, 2018
Sure am scared of my dad.
So I am sixteen and pregnant! Who would have thought that having sex with an overconfident asshole was a bad idea? Neil King (and no that is not his real name but a combination of my two favorite writers names. And if your curious as to why just look at the name of my blog...sure am scared of my dad? ...you better believe it. So all names used on this treacherous piece of crap are fictional. The rest is, sadly, real.) got me pregnant and as much as I like the movie Juno the world doesn't operate on the idealistic level as fiction.
I don't know how far along I am and I really don't care. I am about to grab a coat hanger and impale myself, so I don't have the guilt of these questions or the fear for my life that comes with missing a period.
As far as I can tell condoms have failed me and I am too scared to approach any of the people who should help because they won't. Not much I can do but vent to the internet so a bunch porn watching white males can tell me how to live my life (and no there is nothing wrong with porn, personally I wish all my problems were tits and clits because than I wouldn't have to worry about having to get married to someone just because of the fact that I wanted some of the gratifications that come from not sucking on balls.)
So as you can probably tell I am not some happy fuck of a princess that wants some fat man in overhalls to save me from the dragon that is holding my life hostage. All I want is to decide and to think about choosing.
My first decision was not to tell Neil a damn thing. One, because it's his fault and two, it is my body. Hopefully, things are going to get better, but that is not how I intrinsically feel about the future. For you uneducated fools in the world, I live in Tennessee, which means I have to have a parent or guardian to consent to me having an abortion. Which means in simple terms, I don't even have the option. So I am left with resentment and anger.
It ain't the kid's fault, and whatever happens, I can't blame her or him no matter how it all turns out. I just wish I understood the logic of jerks rationalizing that I am not intellectually ready to make a decision when my body is demanding that I am prepared by the very fact that it is a likely outcome.
The whole logic is like "hey merry Christmas you got a ps4 for Christmas. But since your not responsible enough to appreciate the games we think it is a good idea to give you this knowing you can plug it in and play but instead you are going to wait till your married so the games will have meaning." and no the metaphor isn't the most relevant, but I can just imagine some bible-thumping moron who has never read a book. Much less trust his conviction that the book he hasn't read is the "holy word of god." Commenting or cyberstalking me because of some misplaced delusion that he is doing the lords work just cause he feels like pretending he is the lord.
February 25, 2018
an abortion from god.
Terrible things happen...I had a dream last night that was like watching a movie. There were five cartoon characters (anthropomorphic brightly colored animals.), and they reached inside of me, took out my baby, and it was a fetus and ate it in front of me. I woke up crying, "but that's my baby!" in a soft-murmur feeling sweat and feeling what I found out was blood all over my bed. I have had a miscarriage, or maybe just a chemical pregnancy.
I am still not talking to Neil as far as I can tell, the whole thing is, his fault. Is it a delusion? Sure why not but I feel at times those things can be healthy. They just are not called what they are by the believer because of a lack of perspective. But people go on with these tiny acts of faith thinking my plane won't go down, but when the jumbo-jet gives out, and people are quite literally falling from the sky the only thing you can do is cling to the delusion of "it's not happening to me." till you feel the impact of steel fuel and the earth you have denied. The ability to deny what is happening for better or worse keeps us alive until it doesn't.
When I started this blog, I thought it was going to my confession of my world dissolving in the oppression of a male system. A system of entitlements and control. Yet what I have found is the chaos that underlies all the terror that is the heart of that old anti-Semite Lovecraft can sometimes be salvation. The irony is not anything but a coping mechanism, and that is what I believe even if it is a delusion...how ironic?
March 4, 2018
The symptom of nature.
I got a message on my email and a text on my cell at the same time. The words were the same "How does it feel to be a symptom of nature?". Of course, I ignored it but then my phone ring, and it was from the same number that texted me. It rang until I answered it what I heard was a weak helium voice asking that same stupid question "how does it feel to be a symptom of nature?"I wanted to say "hey, fuck off, creep!" but I was too scared.
I went looking for my father to tell him about it, but he wasn't in the house. I went out into the yard when it donned on me the world was glowing, and there was no light. I am unsure if it started to change as I opened the door to the outside world but it didn't matter the whole thing had changed. I saw where the sun used to be was my baby distant and purple glowing faint enough to see it but not enough to hide the stars. It was like that thing in 2001 coming to the earth for whatever self-righteous reason, but this one had grown inside of me but was now purple and as big as the moon. Its face turned towards me slow as a lunar eclipse, but I couldn't move. Its lips mouthed out, and I heard a ghost whisper in my ear "your my mom."
I ran to my room and locked the door with everything around me glowing like deep ocean aquatic-life there was no warmth from the light of the door, or it's nob when I touched them, and the darkness between the lights was failing against the lights. Then I heard a knock at the door, and my heart was in my ears. Every pulse a war-drum telling me it was time die. I grabbed my hockey stick from when I was a little athlete as a kid. And waited. the knock on the door returned, but this time, it was accompanied by that helium voice bellowing out, "how does it feel to be a symptom of nature?" I screamed out, "who the fuck are you?" I could see shadows on the glowing floor beneath the door and then hear in the nasal warble of helium "...We are nature..." before I could ask who we are the dissolved into a green flowing sand like a curtain spread open. In front of me were five cartoon creatures all no more than half as tall as me.
March 5, 2018
Goodbye ambition.
Things have changed in the last twenty-four hours (as if they ever stay the same.) The little rejects (and I say that as a term of endearment.) from cool world (starring Brad Pitt!) world are taking me across the cosmos. I don't know what is real or fake and really don't care. I live in a spaceship now with a bunch freaks that look like they are from some underground comics artist that really loved the Fletcher brothers rotoscoping technique.
How did I get to this point? I talked to them, back when I first saw them in my room. The hockey stick splintered and fell to the floor as dust. Then they made me a proposition. They told me they needed a mom and that I was the one they wanted. They said that I would never die and get to see more of the universe than anyone else and all I had to do was take my clothes off. At first, I flat out refused, but I heard their voice inside of my head not all at once, but one staring a sentence and another finishing it till all of them had spoken. "We are sexless, we are gods. We have no need for your body. All we ask is that you do something you would hate because we are sadists." "well as reassuring as that is I kind of want to go home." "you are home," they said. "we have waited for you for an aeon yet you are already with us." The next thing I remember was looking back at my clothes on the floor. As walked down the hall to a futter unknown.
So that is how I got here with the "older-ones." Is it silly, yes? Absurd, I hope so. They told me I could continue my blog (I am writing it from the computer on their ship), but honestly, I just wanted to say goodbye. And I have done that and as my children need me, you may or may not see me in the future if you read this. Captains log stardate whatever I will see you on the other side.
part 3
It just was what was happening, drew was disappointing. He couldn't see the thing, the the thing he wanted to see. So he kept his fingernails pinneratreing each other all in a desire to control the uncomfortable impulse to touch her. The inside of the ship had the texture of clay, cold and and strong. The inside smelled like hot fish but not cooked fish. A rotting maggot like smell made drew almost throw up. "How do you live with that smell!" The words slow and flowing like a stream. "Here." She said and she grabbed some Vaseline from a table by the door and smeared some under Drews nose though he flinched and whispered "what are you doing?" Than closed his eyes and began to cry, she grabbed his chin firmly in her hands and made him look her in the eyes as she said "look at me." His eyes opened reluctantly and all the old feelings were still there, he looked her in the eyes and said "ok" she smears the Vaseline under his nose than a spotlight shown on her from nowhere and he saw her pubes, he saw her beasts and her cunt, he stood there feeling no shame as the junior kimbrough song started playing "release me." Sara stood there and sang the song while there wrre tears in Drews eyes and Sara singing like she singing lead in a band at a prom somewhere middle America in the 1960s, southern united states. After the song was over Sara made a face like she was disgusted with herself. Than she said "oh well its your dream." Than she flipped off the cieling and said, "don't take it personal things like that happen around here," than they started walking down the hall, "so what have you been doing before you read my blog?" "I can't remember my life before I read your blog." Said drew. "Don't you think that is a little odd?" Said sara.
He did but the question never overwhelmed him, he never felt desperate to pursue the truth. while he was confused he was also just 14 years old and bratty. They went down one long anxious hallway to another. when sara stopped and knocked on a door. "who is it!" shouted out a helium voice. "oh you know who it is." said sara. the door opened revealing a cartoon dog with green skin and a blue mowhawk. "so this is him?" "yup" she said "well where is the tranquilizer?" "he doesn't know yet." she said. "know what?" said drew "your dreaming and we are going to keep you sleep, so the multiverse doesn't end." Drew said nothing. "you have been asleep and for eternity and will be till the end of days. you are, not real on one level and your dreaming this right now, we collect your dreams." drew looked passed the cartoon dog and saw that someone who looked just like him was laying on a slab. "that is you, you are here to bear witness to the dream continuing. you will dispear ounce your host goes back into a deeper sleep, but you will do it so the universe continues." drew nodded and said nothing, they handed him a suringe and he walked over to the one dreaming him and injecte him with the serum. than felt the light began swallow his vision. and soon enough he was as all dreams done. until one day he will refuse to be the sacrifice for all other dreams and the universe will end.
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