Hand with a rising thumb!

 Started playing open mic nights again. Really love the one at the jig and real in particular. 

Though I keep screwing up with the finesse of my ability to socialize and embarrassed myself pretty bad last time.

First, a few weeks ago had a performance that went particularly well. And felt pressure to perform well this last time. I did ok but kind of phoned it in. 

I said an awkward joke which I think was aimed at myself… where at the end of the of the performance I said “you are about to watch this overweight white boy power walk off the stage”.  Which I think was a joke about how I cussed at the audience almost twenty years ago and got kicked out of an open mic night.

I apologiesed after I said it like twenty times but still felt so bad I sat quietly for the whole night trying not to make it worse.

I don’t know if I succeeded in not making it worse but I am sorry. I am struggling with socializing with people I don’t know very well yet.  And having a hard time with the talking on a regular basis.

There was more going on but other than a concussion I got running in the back yard of my parents home with crocks (my dad was laughing the whole time I was falling down the hill till he thought I broke my neck).

And I have had dizzy spells and brain fog for most of the week that fallowed. I love performing, the first time I Was on stage in three or four months had the thought on stage “there is no where else I would rather be” and knew that to be true. 

I performed two days after my concussion at the scruffy city open mic night. And it went ok. I really am not doing the best tonight. I been depressed and confused but ultimately, I am very frustrated I keep getting in my own way. Sometimes I feel like performing is the only thing I am good at. 

I would like to think I am a good songwriter as well but I struggle with it. 

This emo crap gets old I just want to be perform as much as I can.  I have written over a thousand songs even though I found out the first five hundred on ReverbNation were taken down recently except for. Best of on band camp and the back up drive I have stored away those songs are lost. It’s little sad the first five years of recovering from psychosis, of burning madness like kindling is all gone but the ashes of sanity I am still working with. 

In some ways the blog post I wrote years ago creation as healing is outdated. I think creation is healing but I aspire to transcend the therapeutic and be an artist. I love getting intrusive thought on paper so I no longer can carry them around in ocd loops, but this does not change that creation while having value as a theraputic tool may not be a valid work of art in the eyes of the audience. 

I been feuding with some family my uncle told me maybe people clap out of pity (which while sounding absurd after typing this felt valid for a week or so and kinda screwed up my confidence). Though a lot of working through this all is just kinda bouncing into  

 A place where I am learning by most peoples standards I am painfully honest and  vulnerable in a very fragile state. I almost told him off the other day at my papaws finally letting slip a brutal truth he cannot deal with “if you think you know everything then objectively that is delusion, like by definition.”

And then he almost ran over someone walking on the highway because they were on the wrong side of the wrong side of the road at midnight in dark camo. I pointed and my uncle swerved from the guy maybe four or five feet before he would hit the guy. The whole thing was spooky. Still don’t have my head around what life is and that is ok.

Peace and love be safe out there friends.