God willing, we will survive.

I am frustrated as always, kind of struggling with my brain lately. Been thinking about my book for the last three weeks but not really writing on it. Then the other day I had a small breakthrough. I decided if I didn't like it than I would rewrite it. So that is what I have been doing.
   Going to start looking for a publisher for some of the crap I write just because some people seem to enjoy it. The strange thing about my creative output is that most of my finished work I don't take seriously specifically my music. I never thought I would be able to write a piece of prose that was actually readable on a purely technical level. (than Grammarly changed my life, I still struggle with language, but now I feel people at least can get what I am trying to say, even if I tend to think abstractly and write in a straightforward literal way. This incongruence doesn't seem to be that much of a problem, though.) So I just recorded music non-stop to satisfy my desire for having a creative output. I think my music was therapeutic and helpful from recovering from my psychosis. As I also feel it is mostly, objectively terrible. But, this is not new, and I do not really want to beat the dead horse any longer so I will move on.
   When it comes to fiction, however, there has always been this quality of it feeling like a calling and at the very least it is my prefered way to spend my time. ether thinking about it or actually writing. I think I am going to have to fake confidence in the final stages of this book or it will never be finished. if that seems like a contridiction, all I can say is "I am worst at what I do best and for this gift, I feel blessed." also, I know lol.