Why am I so fucked up?

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When I was a kid I was sexually abused by my moms cousin. I didn’t even know what had happened till my uncle showed a hentai about demons raping women. I did drawings inspired by the hentai and my parents who never gave me the talk thought I was a serial killer or demon possessed because I was extremely sheltered as far as culture I was exposed too as far as they knew. Yet my dad watched serial killer documentary’s on A&E they freaked me out because I though I was like them because of the drawings they discovered in my closet. This has lead to a huge amount of guilt and self hatred. 


Example I have always had a fascination with bondage stuff but never let myself indulge in it even with my partners who share in interest in it. If only because I just have some hang ups with it.


I made a friend who I loved talking to but because I am so fucked up and I feel like it is impossible for me not to screw shit up. I am not talking to her right now.


Spent most of the last couple of days suicidal because I can’t let stuff go… and I am learning to say I am sorry for how fucked on am and walking away.


Been crying a hole bunch and it’s always the same shit with me. Fuck people I don’t care about and have a strong emotional connection with a person who is in love with someone else.


Not sure why that is but I am praying and trying to change.


Don’t post much here right now but I needed to vent so you all get this word salad.

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