depresssion, and not smoking again....

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 Been on a kung fu film kick as of late. Old favorites like drunken master and master of the flying guillotine along with watching more obscure or modern films. 


I think my two favorites are kung fu hustle and master of the flying guillotine. For both strangeness and also heart those are the peak of the genre for me. 


Though has lead down. Rabbit hole over the last couple of days where I have been researching wuxia fantasy novels and researching the classics of Chinese litereature. 


I love a good melodramatic surreal piece of objective strangeness as much as anyone. But I am kinda intrigued by why the wuxia bug has bitten me so hard.


Not since I got obsessed thunderbolt fantasy and other puppet wuxia has  the genre been so major in my mind. 


I have also been trying to write for my own amusement some extended pieces of prose set in the grim metal bedlam universe that are directly inspired by wuxia melodramas.


Since what I write is experimental bio punk absurdism the direct correlation of how they are influencing me is not obvious even to me.


Possibly just the desire of literal conflict and tall tales… don’t know I find it confusing how what sparks something is not always in the surface of a piece of writings aesthetic.


This is not very serious writing in that as of write now it has no artistic ambition it is more doodling or fishing looking for amusement in the act of creating rather trying to publish something.


In other news I took a break from going to open mic nights for one week if only because I cut my gums up and could not where my dentures on the day of the open mic night. And since I could not sing I decided not to go that particular week. 


The whole process of getting out was wearing on me also, I think I needed some time to recalibrate. I like getting out. Though I have such a complex history with performing that I honestly struggle with confidence of leaving my apartment much more so getting on stage.


When the irregular bouts of depression hit I march forward most of the time but this was not one of those cases.


I think that I enjoy performing but I need to not put so much pressure on myself. It has been so long since I was out of the apartment regular that it was overwhelming and tiring constantly forcing myself to socialise. Trying to understand why my heart is shrouded in darkness and the overwhelming weight of carrying that every day. 

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