Sure am scared of my dad: Or, the blog of a pregnant teenager.

                                                  February 3, 2018
                                         Sure am scared of my dad.

So I am sixteen and pregnant! Who would have thought that having sex with an overconfident asshole was a bad idea? Neil King (and no that is not his real name but a combination of my two favorite writers names. And if your curious as to why just look at the name of my blog...sure am scared of my dad? ...you better believe it. So all names used on this treacherous piece of crap are fictional. The rest is sadly true.)  got me pregnant and as much as I like the movie Juno the world doesn't operate on the idealistic level as fiction.
   I don't know how far along I am and I really don't care. I am about to grab a coat hanger and impale myself, so I don't have the guilt of these questions or the fear for my life that comes with missing a period.
   As far as I can tell condoms have failed me and I am too scared to approach any of the people who should help because they won't. Not much I can do but vent to the internet so a bunch porn watching white males can tell me how to live my life (and no there is nothing wrong with porn, personally I wish all my problems were tits and clits because than I wouldn't have to worry about having to get married to someone just because of the fact that I wanted some of the gratifications that come from not sucking on balls.)
   So as you can probably tell I am not some happy fuck of a princess that wants some fat man in overhalls to save me from the dragon that is holding my life hostage. All I want is to decide and to think about choosing.
   My first decision was not to tell Neil a damn thing. One, because it's his fault and two, it is my body. Hopefully, things are going to get better, but that is not how I intrinsically feel about the future.  For you uneducated fools in the world, I live in Tennessee which means I have to have a parent or guardian to consent to me having an abortion. Which means in simple terms I don't even have the option. So I am left with resentment and anger.
    It ain't the kid's fault, and whatever happens, I can't blame her or him no matter how it all turns out.  I just wish I understood the logic of jerks rationalizing that I am not intellectually ready to make a decision when my body is demanding that I am prepared by the very fact that it is a likely outcome.
   The whole logic is like "hey merry Christmas you got a ps4 for Christmas. But since your not responsible enough to appreciate the games we think it is a good idea to give you this knowing you can plug it in and play but instead you are going to wait till your married so the games will have meaning." and no the metaphor isn't the most relevant, but I can just imagine some bible thumping moron who has never read a book. Much less trust his conviction that the book he hasn't read is the "holy word of god." Commenting or cyberstalking me because of some misplaced delusion that he is doing the lords work just cause he feels like pretending he is the lord.



                                                            February 25, 2018
                                                         an abortion from god.

Terrible things happen...I had a dream last night that was like watching a movie. There were five cartoon characters (anthropomorphic brightly colored animals.), and they reached inside of me took out my baby, and it was a fetus and ate it in front of me. I woke up crying "but that's my baby!" in a soft-murmur feeling sweat and feeling what I found out was blood all over my bed. I have had a miscarriage, or maybe just a chemical pregnancy.
   I am still not talking to Neil as far as I can tell, the whole thing is, his fault.  Is it a delusion? Sure why not but I feel at times those things can be healthy. They just are not called what they are by the believer because of a lack of perspective. But people go on with these tiny acts of faith thinking my plane won't go down, but when the jumbo-jet gives out, and people are quite literally falling from the sky the only thing you can do is cling to the delusion of "it's not happening to me." till you feel the impact of steel fuel and the earth you have denied. The ability to deny what is happening for better or worse keeps us alive until it doesn't.
   When I started this blog, I thought it was going to my confession of my world dissolving in the oppression of a male system. A system of entitlements and control. Yet what I have found is the chaos that underlies all the terror that is the heart of that old anti-Semite Lovecraft can sometimes be salvation.  The irony is not anything but a coping mechanism, and that is what I believe even if it is a delusion...how ironic?
 

                                                      March 4, 2018
                                            The symptom of nature.

I got a message on my email and a text on my cell at the same time. The words were the same "How does it feel to be a symptom of nature?". Of course, I ignored it but then my phone ring, and it was from the same number that texted me. It rang until I answered it what I heard was a weak helium voice asking that same stupid question "how does it feel to be a symptom of nature?"I wanted to say "hey, fuck off creep!" but I was too scared.
   I went looking for my father to tell him about it, but he wasn't in the house. I went out into the yard when it donned on me the world was glowing, and there was no light. I am unsure if it started to change as I opened the door to the outside world but it didn't matter the whole thing had changed. I saw where the sun used to be was my baby distant and purple glowing faint enough to see it but not enough to hide the stars. It was like that thing in 2001 coming to the earth for whatever self-righteous reason, but this one had grown inside of me but was now purple and as big as the moon.  Its face turned towards me slow as a lunar eclipse, but I couldn't move. Its lips mouthed out, and I heard a ghost whisper in my ear "your my mom."
    I ran to my room and locked the door with everything around me glowing like deep ocean aquatic-life there was no warmth from the light of the door, or it's nob when I touched them, and the darkness between the lights was failing against the lights. Then I heard a knock at the door, and my heart was in my ears. Every pulse a war-drum telling me it was time die. I grabbed my hockey stick from when I was a little athlete as a kid. And waited. the knock on the door returned, but this time it was accompanied by that helium voice bellowing out "how does it feel to be a symptom of nature?" I screamed out "who the fuck are you?" I could see shadows on the glowing floor beneath the door and then hear in nasal warble of helium "...We are nature..." before I could ask who we are the dissolved into a green flowing sand like a curtain spread open. In front of me was five cartoon creatures all no more than half as tall as me.

                                                     March 5, 2018
                                                  Goodbye ambition.
  
Things have changed in the last twenty-four hours (as if they ever stay the same.) The little rejects (and I say that as a term of endearment.) from cool world are taking me across the cosmos. I don't know what is real or fake and really don't care. I live in a spaceship now with a bunch freaks that look like they are from some underground comics artist that really loved the Fletcher brothers rotoscoping technique.
    How did I get to this point? I talked to them, back when I first saw them in my room. The hockey stick splintered and fell to the floor as dust. Then they made me a proposition. They told me they needed a mom and that I was the one they wanted. They said that I would never die and get to see more of the universe than anyone else and all I had to do was take my clothes off. At first, I flat out refused, but I heard their voice inside of my head not all at once, but one staring a sentence and another finishing it till all of them had spoken. "We are sexless, we are gods. We have no need for your body. All we ask is that you do something you would hate because we are sadists." "well as reassuring as that is I kind of want to go home." "you are home," they said. "we have waited for you for an aeon yet you are already with us." The next thing I remember was looking back at my clothes on the floor. As walked down the hall to a futter unknown.
    So that is how I got here with the "older-ones." Is it silly, yes? Absurd, I hope so. They told me I could continue my blog (I am writing it from the computer on their ship), but honestly, I just wanted to say goodbye. And I have done that and as my children need me, you may or may not see me in the future if you read this. Captains log stardate whatever, I will see you on the other side.



                                                     Epilogue
                                     Or, what the hell was that.

She went missing that much is certain. The rest well let's look at some details. She was a schizophrenic who went off of her meds. She had a bad breakup from an abusive boyfriend and a father who waited a week to file a missing person report. The people around her didn't know she was keeping this blog till they went through her computer. By all accounts, she was acting normal (for her at least) till she went missing. If you came across it, you would probably think the whole thing was a prank, but the fact remains she is gone, and this is what she left behind.