The Sock-Monkey As Alone

“What are your plans for the future?”  “I don’t have a future.” I turn my back and staring at my hands meaning every fucking syllable. I almost thirty eight. The business of being expected to pull a miracle out of my ass and make the rational clinical pain mean something other than being the background noise of my life, is something I gave up on. “The thing about lobotomies is they kept people like you from hurting someone trying to get on with their day.” The manager at my last apartment recertification told me that.  He was thirty minutes late for my recertification and was in a bad mood. He was told he was 80% disabled but was considered functioning when he was on his pain meds by the VA so he would lose some benefits. So what did he fucking do he spent a hour and a half insulting me. And carrying on how people like me were the problem with this country.  I then had a meltdown on mastodon about the frustration of always being told I have more privilege as a cis white m...

  Starting this off with a nerd list with my current top ten novels 1 Stone junction by Jim Dodge 2 Gravity’s rainbow by Thomas Pynchon 3 Ridley walker by Russel hoben 4 Stella Maris by Cormac McCarthy  5 even cowgirls get the blues by tom robbins 6 Alice adventures in wonder land by Lewis Carrol. 7 cat’s cradle by Kurt Vonnegut  8 Dune by frank herbert 9 buckaroo banzai by earl Mach rauch 10 Shibumi by Trevanian   Now I will simply start typing… mostly because I don’t know what to type and I feel like it would do me well to discuss my days of late. Gave up YouTube and Tv for the most part (trying to watch two or three hours of tv a week). And after a rocky start I can think clearer and my mood seems to be improving. So that is a win I would say. Last book I read was shibumi. I sat down and read three hundred pages of it yesterday and finished it and loved it… very much in the vein of Suda51 one style scripts or a kind of mash up of James Bond and ki...

 Poetry is the sparks of flint, of the human souls in conflict with eternity It is the effort and reward of ambiguity as a document for the living It is the simple act of investing in your life because other people are worth it

  Cleaned 24 miniatures, assembled, repaired and glued to 28 mm bases yesterday. Today’s ambitions include priming them. And potentially painting a handful. Luna (my part bird) had a limp this morning. It has been worrying me most of the day trying to figure out how I can pay to take her tot he vet to get checked… but she doesn’t seem to be in pain and can still get around. I think what happened was her claw got stuck in one of the hard sponge toys she shreds and she sprained it but honestly I don’t know. I did not share for several days on here because I am going through one of my spells of doubt with my intellect. I know I am not at the top tier of a grasp of the language I speak… or for that matter have a passing average grade on the subject. Though I still feel I have things to offer. Thoughts, ideas and such.  Maybe tomorrow I will share some of the campaign rules for grim metal bedlam. They are no where near complete but the thought of sharing them scares me into w...

  Pirates of the Caribbean has a weird place in my life. It may be THE guilty pleasure of my obsessions. But, it’s hard to argue with the accidental brilliance of the first one or the train wreck of two and three… (though… they still are impressive pieces of production design and have interesting world building). They along the secret of monkey island are among my favorite pieces of media. Though I have only finished the first secret of monkey island… I really want to finish the second one this year. Pirates were in real life murdering rapists… but the royals of the world were likely more like game of thrones. So you got to cut pirates some slack. So far as they rebelled against the corrupt fascists systems of the old world. Though pirates probably only democratized morally bankrupt criminal behavior. So… pirates of Caribbean and secret of monkey island are pure escapism. Like I said I think the first pirates of the Caribbean is pretty solid. It’s a classic swashbuckler starr...

  Spent most of the day reading playing at the world and now watching a supper bunny hop video inspired by that book talking about kriegspiel. Goals for the day?… make pixel art command tokens for grim metal bedlam. That is my first priority I also will post a poll on my mastodon asking if I should share rough rules (more design notes than anything) for grim metal bedlam. While this will serve no other purpose than to shame me into correcting and play testing the game more to refine it into a stable form. I know a lot of my rambling crap is just that but for whatever reason it gets me thinking. and thinking in terms of what interacting even is (is fun for at least me). I think the thought of the day will all this kriegspiel madness. Is that tabletop are for the most part good as psychological framing devices that get our brains to interpret verbally not mathematically. Or abstract like chess: deluding the players into thinking creativity has anything to do with optimal play. ...

  I am trying to make myself work on stuff more but struggle to get started in the morning. I thought I would ramble about emergent narrative and see if anything interesting came out. Emergent narrative is about choice players intemperate simple outcomes in context of each other and a story emerges from the filling in of the gaps of the narrative. What I struggle with is simplicity of a uniform system does not allow the game create narratives beyond the game. Think chess emergent narratives are the interactions of the players at the table.  But the game flow doesn’t change that narrative beyond the immediate results of the apposing wills of the contest. Narratives games however are like secular tarot card reading… provocative symbols that provoke a story by simply being layed out in a sequence.  The rules are the pattern of how you lay out the symbols but the symbols are a series of a loose frame work of associations.  The emergent part is how those things inter...

  Took several days off from stress and needing to recalibrate my sense of self. I am thinking of writing the last few days… maybe some short stories in the setting? Don’t know yet. The only thing holding me back is a feeling that it’s in vain all of it. The other reason when developing a setting when you share something it sets in stone to most readers when the best setting grew through iteration and slowly slotting together the stones of the castle. Some of the older stuff like wayward bound or the brutal song of aziel Bartholomew hit certain vibes I am chasing but is also missing a sense of place. That only comes from time spent developing the world in its detail. I just need to spend more time working on it, but sometimes I will spend a day or two working on something and not share it. Other times will share a lot of crap I should not share (like really rough in development [borderline notes] kinda stuff) The sad truth is, is that after had a decade with some long form sh...

  I have watched adventure time all the way through, once a year for more than half a decade. The playful way it deals with apocalyptic deeper themes in such a way that it is still pure whimsey fascinates me to no end.   Yes the best episodes almost all have Simon and Marcy in them. Yes the ending was sort of rushed and falling apart at the seems (and it still works). It still holds up. Fin the human is a great character who is never treated like a lead character. Jake the dog is surprisingly wise even if he isn’t a good father. Ice king is my spirit animal. All this is a list of confusion yet the show is amazing. The whole show was a less sardonic version of mgmt albums like congratulations or their debut. It’s very of its era yet defined what followed. I spent a decade posting bad art on instagram. Quick sketches in a style derivative of the show. I even sent some of the art to pen ward and he told me to keep practicing and I would continue to get better. I used to...

 The air that is warm with your sweat flowers cursing casually innocent smile moist lips say does it feel wrong or feel true through this guilt, I feel empty and reviled   there is a causality, the fragrance The wet soil, a flower rests in spring rain Though will it be chaos or repentance will we choose pleasure or live in the pain   the tension in my hand's heavy breathing your eyes and words consent to this prelude So seeming pleased with what your inspiring Could be your life inspires though I'm confused   I wish to be love platonically yet in this prelude I'm scared peacefully.

  My uncle gave me three hundred old ral partha and grenadier miniatures yesterday day I spent most of the day going through the rows of doors of the containers and sorting them. Some old runquest miniatures and a lot of barbarians but some real quality stuff. Still waiting on some packages of some miniature I ordered. I am getting frustrated with how long it is taking them to ship. Though they responded to my email quickly and assured me they I would get them. I think they are made to order and they are having the wiring in their shop worked on this week, so it is something that can’t be helped. My paranoia has been in full swing again and I find that frustrating. Scared to share anything really personal or even post on most sites. I know this is mostly a stream of consciousness ramble… but I am forcing myself to share something. I would like to review more movies but I am still on my watch the same ten films over and over again until my nervous breakdown passes: phase. So...