When things go profoundly wrong.

 “Do you know how many times you texted me?”

“I’m sorry I have paranoid schizophrenia and I am trying to learn how to socialize. I apologize and I will never contact you again.”

And I didn’t ever contact that person again. I don’t know who she was and it was well over ten years ago when I Was in the early stages of recovering from a sustained psychosis. I have just paraphrased from memory the text she sent before I blocked her on a dating site.

How many times did I text her? like thirty or forty over a period of six months.

So why?

This is going to be hard to explain for someone who has had a normal life. The answer is simple I didn’t know what would happen. I didn’t understand that not responding once is a hard fast rule for when to disappear from a closing door and that maybe if you swallow your pride a second message reaching out before closing a door.

I have paranoid schizophrenia and been through some fairly traumatic stuff in my time. Some real… and others so subjective I can’t even articulate what happened.

 

Having paranoid schizophrenia is like being in a hell so personal other people don’t even notice it. They just assume that you couldn’t possibly be so unsocialized that you don’t have basic skills required to know you you’re unsocialized. It is the uncanny valley the rest of the world mocks each other about. It is the darkened counterfeit life used as example of when things have gone wrong. It would be funny if it wouldn’t hurt so much.

Paranoid schizophrenia is losing a sense of self by it being dissolved by actual madness. By the brain firing together a stew of association that remove the observer from the observed. And the only way back is to crawl… broken and weeping… to a point where you can laugh at what you have been through… yet your still going through it because there are people who don’ even understand what that was.

What is paranoid schizophrenia? It is when things go profoundly wrong.

When you spend two decades learning how to live after having spent two decades being traumatized by experience that ether feed on your brain not functioning or caused by it. 

Paranoid schizophrenia is a shadow life. Where if your luck you wake up one realize you’re almost normal. You have had a healthy relationship and when it ended you had the skills to process it and let that door close in a way that was healthy for both of you. But you still remember the thousands of failures and the belated growing pains that were required to reach a point where you could say that you regret the necessary process of your very existence getting to where you have to be so can live a normal life without inflicting traumatizing experiences on strangers by the simple act of saying “hi” or “hey” thirty or forty times over a six month period…. 

It’s difficult so far as paranoid schizophrenia to me is at once a trauma response and the Origen of it… for all practical purposes.

I don’t know what to add to this I suck routine other than I am almost forty and I can function now better than I ever could before. The tragedy of schizophrenia is by the time you over come it enough to live what’s left of your life… a lot of it is already over.