Half remembered confessions

 I played Sonic 1 an 2 quite a bit as a kid. I missed out on Sonic 3 and Knuckles till the last decade.

I don’t know why I am so sentimental and gloom and doom about stuff. I don’t understand why I remember things as being so dark when it is very likely I was as happy as I ever was. It’s very likely all of this is a reframing of the past from my later depression of my teen years.

It’s kind of funny when you remove yourself from the memory  of depression you have a moment of clarity where things feel like they will be ok. The world is not a black hole it just feels like it when you’re depressed. 

Back to Sonic I used to play with my brothers when I was about eleven or twelve. We never beat the original two but I think I will soon.  The past is there waiting for us is one of the more interesting things about retro games. Your relationship to the past becomes active as you play the games you never finished. 

I collected sonic comics and had almost the whole nights into dreams mini series by Archie comics. I was rather obsessed with the blue blur and sonic team’s output as a whole. 

I don’t know why I am so sentimental about it. Trying to make some kind of humor out of being some kind of over emotional kid. Hyper sensitive is how I would describe my disposition as a kid. Just repeating little events over and over like everything gave me ptsd even joy. I could relive a Christmas morning or a birthday where my mom was out of town at an Amway convention. It all was all the blender of my soul.

It’s all funny when my mood is good and all tragic when my irregular depression kicks in. And if that doesn’t sum up irregular depression I don’t know what else would.

The logical details are still vivid I can almost remember the first level of sonic by memory.  Though it doesn’t matter to any of what I am trying to communicate other than when I feel one extreme I write it down. So I am ether trying to find some kind evidence to prove I am intelligent or being kind of wimpy about a Christmas morning from thirty years ago. None of which makes sense.

Games as experiences is what I learned from Tim Roger’s over my years in high school trying to make all these games I did not finish mean something.  Trying o connect my story somehow to their lack of story….

I know that all we have to learn is we shouldn’t be distracted by a feeling. That feelings are essential to a part of life that can be taken for granted but not our life itself.

Emotional perspective includes understanding how we feel and how we want to feel but if I am sentimental about silly things is can also be tough to evaluate extremes and dismiss some the more juvenile examples of my experiences when I was actively psychotic. Sometime a melodramatic emotion isn’t tied to a symptom but an under developed response to simply an unpleasant experience. And sometimes it’s less to do with the experience and more to do with the distraction that is the thought of the meditation being gifted an opportunity for understanding the thought that it provokes.

I have heard someone say they had nostalgia for someone else’s opinion but to me that makes no sense even as an absurdist. The illusion of cultural progress means we are reframing the same moment of back in the day  that is just right now with different lenses.

The past is not changing. right now never stays the same, and, tomorrow doesn’t exist.