“Sniveling little cry babies piss me off”

 Sniveling has 

No place

In this 

Life

I lay having Had

Nothing to eat or drink

in over four weeks

(Impossible yes but I recall it none the less)

Sitting at 

three hundred 

and forty pounds

While typing this it seems

Impossible to me as well… yet…

The memories.

Of hunger 

Of imagining 

every kind

Of food

Real or otherwise

The pain and desperation

And then…

The quiet numb and clarity

Of neccasary functions

Shutting down

And laying in the bed

The couch

Blocking the door

Stopping anyone 

from entering 

The apartment

The blue egg 

like creatures 

outside the window

I imagined traveled 

between Realities

“Technically you have 

been dead for over

A week” said my radio that was unplugged.

I freaking out grabbed the milk jug

I had pissed into the first few days

The rotten piss with skin forming on it

I rolled over and threw up on the floor

From the taste, unable to swallow it

I laid down praying dry heaves gagging from the shear pathetic desperation of my soul.

Knowing in my heart 

I could not do what Jesus

Did, I lay giving in to every sin

And resenting every failure

Clinging to an ego that flailed back

Forward if only to claim its place

To claim its place on the clearance shelf

Of dollar general of souls.

The lord went into the desert and never gave into temptation

I lay for a year failing and trying again and again

Chipping away at any claim

Of greatness I ever had.

The point is this…

What the lord did was sacred

Not just because he did do it

But because he could have failed

At any moment and didn’t

And humanity as unnecessary 

Data, a calculation without purpose

We know that the grace of God is allowing us to live, he tolerate us beyond all understanding of the base depravity of the resentment and evil we are capable of. Of all the busy bodies and arrogant deniers

But more than anything he let me know what I needed… 

The perfect life offered itself as a sacrifice. The only one worthy of the whole species beaten and nailed to a tree until he died and and he has risen again.

And I measured myself against what he did and found I need that grace no matter how tough or how hard I try to catch up. he is beyond comprehension and the grace of God is the very act of letting us exist.

The lamb is worthy.