Till you have it just so.

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 I am helping my parents as of late. I spend about twenty to thirty five hours a week helping them out just because they are getting older and need the help. 


I find that my problems mentally are mostly struggling with my ocd. Intrusive thoughts and stress triggers. But they have been warn down from sheer will power of getting out every day.


I am writing more and trying to get some stuff ready to share beyond these daily blogs.


As I type this I have gunship playing in the background. Been enjoying the mix of nostalgia and retro futurism. I am having one of those nights where I am not sure where this post is going. I helped carry up a treadmill to my parent’s house.   And then visited with my niece and nephew. 


I am frustrated at time with not having as much time to write as I would like. But also this daily blog is helping me get back into the habit.


Yet I can now see how rusty I am. The tragedy of being an author of any sorts. Is the moment you say what needs saying and say it well… then all you can do is find something new to say, and paraphrase till you have it just so….


Playing with words is a shell game of the soul. A card trick of hidden meaning. Less honest than magic but closer to the truth.


I told my dad about what it was like having to go through what I did when I was hallucinating and not eating in Florida. Living in an abandoned trailer with no running water the place crawling with brown recluses spiders. The tooth ache that made my jaw swell and lying on a rotting mattress sobbing… until I could only laugh at my feeble insignificant self.


He said. ”you were having a nervous breakdown.”


Now gunship’s song when you grow up your heart dies is playing. It’s an interesting vibe tonight I am reminded of a Tolkien quote that goes "though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater". 


I am not being dramatic or at least that is not my intent. There are horrible things in this world horrible injustices and yet there are people who live and have lived make the darkness worth fighting. To quote Tolkien again “I will not say do not weep for not all tears are an evil.”


I think that trying too hard to desire to make life a musical may be the problem. Often it is a prose poem and at other times a soap opera.  Yet it continues towards the judgment awaiting us at the climax of history.


My hope for you and me is we both find peace tonight.


Until tomorrow, peace and love.

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