meditations on honesty.

so i just put up three of my worst song on the internet. And some how feel better for all the embarrassing madness that came out of it. Dark feelings funny thoughts and just generally feeling like i have shame my family and scared off m friends but none of that is new and i will probably do it again.. my life is like a ghost story to paraphrase Neil Gaiman i talk about how bored and scared i am and that it is not just a cry for help. I'm just tired and getting through what is left. I talk as if this is my last day every time I open my mouth and a few times have tried to kill myself. the last time they told me i shouldn't be alive. but here i am. but if i did kill myself i would like to think after they flush my ashes down the toilet that my blogs would be updated with the subject matter of "it's cold." and that i would whine of my misery of purgatory and think god i wasn't in hell all the while knowing that when i get there i will find a sign and it will have two words on it nether of which will have anything to do with good or evil. It will read shit happens."