There is nothing profound to be seen here.

 

So the catharsis of survival has a funny way of transitioning back into apathy. That was the punchline. The joke is my life. All you need to know is that I am going to try again and hopefully not get sick before or during the writing of the novel I am planing.  It is is called Lantern Soul. Hopefully I finish it. Hopefully it does not suck.

 

I don't want to talk about my health because well... I am a unhealthy piece of shit. I weight three and sixty pounds. And the only reason I am going to talk about my health is that well. like me it is the elephant in the room. 

 

I have quit smoking though... thank God because if I was still  smoking I may have had a stroke or a heart attack a couple of weeks ago when the antibiotics hit my blood stream.  

 

I am experimenting with more fractured sentences. Parshely because I a little discombobulated but mostly I am dancing around repeating myself. I have been in therapy almost ounce a week for the majority of a decade. and have been writing on this blog for I think about the same amount of time though I have not looked at the dates to verify any of this. 

 

Maybe it just feel like it's getting close to a decade because the informal essays that make up the majority of this blog are part confessional journal.  And part pseudo-acting to my family. Let's call the roll I am playing the my I give a damn got busted so I am writing a blog. 

Funny yes but since most of my family simply writes off anything I am authentic about on here as gifted bullshit. As playing to a nonexistent crowd. 

"If you tried to kill yourself so many times you would have had organ failure." one has said. While another has told me I cry wolf about almost dying from suicide is why everyone doesn't seem to care about my extended stay in the hospital. But from where I am sitting if your reading this your not my friend Because I really don't have but one or two of those. But your also not a fan because well I am not the famous enough to justify that label. I like to think of us as fellow seekers in pursuit of dignity. 

And just because I don't feel like editing this let me put it right here. I have not tried to kill myself in going four years. I feel like my mental health is improving, it is now my physical health that I am going to focus on. I am only waiting for my second covid shot so I can with self assurance go for walk around the neighborhood. 

I took my med I got better this is the last word on my recent health scare unless it goes south on bullshit curve-ball ending. I am going to try to share a whole new novel on here in the next month and then start back on sideshow hearts. But yeah peace and love, take it easy.