The Sock-Monkey As Alone

  Had nightmares all of the nights. But slept far too much: nearly fifteen hours. I woke up and watched the Wes Anderson movie   The Royal Tenenbaums. It was always one of my favorite movies and my favorite Wes Anderson movies. It’s about east coast over achievers and the absurd tragedy protégés face for the rest of their lives as they face a world that will judge the worst of the world on a spectrum of achievement and the slightly above average… with the same contempt.  The comedy is nuanced jokes on the public broadcast television crowd. An educated class that whole identity is founded on aspirations of slight over achievement rather than that of punk rock culture that wallows in its underachiever status. I always related to Owen Wilsons character wanting to fit in more than any of the inspirational middle class but always being a charming punk (not necessarily the rock n roll kind.)  Once even I had a review of my writing say I was not like Edgar’s Allan P...

  So I missed several days back to back mostly from being tired. Been helping my family a lot lately. I have also been rather obsessed with getting an emotional support animal. Mostly because I get really depressed when I get home and am alone for a couple of days. I mostly slept yesterday and stayed up watching old fantasy movies today. I have about finished the first volume of the lord of the rings the fellowship of the ring. I really enjoy older soft magic system approaches to fantasy. I am hoping to get a cockatiel next months or later this month right now thinking of naming it ikit or max if it’s a male bird or Luna if it’s female. Not a lot to add all II have done is sleep and be paranoid of being stalked. It doesn’t really matter it’s a symptom of my diagnosis so it may very well be in my head. I am anxious and excited to get my shot of antipsychotic soon. Still been on a warhammer kick. I took a break from painting miniatures for a few weeks but am excited to get ba...

  “Lord Jesus the son of God have mercy on me a sinner.” - the Jesus prayer. I don’t know what I am going to say other Jesus is lord. He is the messiah. The son of God. The beginning and the end. I cannot fathom what is happening in the world. All I know is the end is near. I think it is the biblical apocalypse… I think the lord will return… it scares me as much as gives me hope. In my heart I feel guilty of so much I can’t understand. My arrogance in my thoughts… and the blasphemy in my mind. I try to override my evil inclinations with the Jesus prayer. Though I know works don’t save us… works are the fruit of the tree of faith. Without works a tree is dead and ready to be fed into the fire.   But the Lord forgives those who he will, and he is just. Faith in the lord is knowing we are not the lord. We cannot serve the world of greed and lust and the lord our God. We are ether for the truth of the lord OR against the truth of the lord. If you are unsure then there is a...

  It was nice, better than I feel I deserve. I spent the day with family my nieces and nephews and my sisters. Met my nieces friend. Watched them play pool and did crafts with the younger ones. My brain acts up all the time in new situations and I am handled it ok but I also got a lot on my mind. I got troubadour moon by the wild hearts on repeat.  about to crash for the evening. Not really up to writing a full blog tonight but I hope you are doing well. Will be back to regular writing on Friday, peace and love.

  Mason Andrew Freak (or simply Drew) sat in his empty room without posters, without toys, basically empty except for a bed. Though he was not sitting on the bed he was in his closet (a metaphor [possibly!]) crying over the warhammer 2nd edition of the chador codex crying…. He had taken down all of his posters of Digimon adventure, dragon ball z,   and ff7. He was twelve years old and almost four hundred pounds, he wasn’t even sure he could get out of the closet he was sitting in. He would turn on his flashlight and stare at john Blanche art and dream such horrific beautiful rock n roll dreams! Trying to escape the reality that was the last time he left his parent’s house. A friend of his dad said “are you single my daughter just broke up with her boyfriend.” The daughter “He is half my age and twice my size.” So little mason went home and tore down all his posters and dreamed beautiful dark dreams. Not knowing he would eventually write over a thousand songs about the th...

  How do we stay informed in the digital age? How do we find ourselves when all that is left if refinement of a culture we have inherited into the peak cheeseit of endorphins releasing? Do we do it with confrontation? Do we act hostile or resent the battle we didn’t choose and marching forward while looking back at an era nostalgically? Our childhood or, our teen years when we were capable of mindless hope. Hope inspite of evidence we really should have put our faith in God. Instead we chose nothing is true and everything is possible. But still in-spite of my sins… in spite of failings… I believe things have merit in the growing pains. Of knowing that there is no going back to how things could have been. Of how anything could be good after all the compromises we have chosen and outright lies we have been fed. We’re heading towards a collapse. And what we rebuild in the ashes will lock in the next century, MAYBE even the next epoch of culture hidden in the little link button o...

  El Topo the 1970 Mexican acid Western film written, scored, directed by and starring Alejandro Jodorowsky . About a black clad gunmen on a quest for enlightenment. First there are problematic elements to all of Alejandro Jodorowsky filmography he claims he raped the woman on camera in the film and the crew was so shocked they just kept filming. To me this reads as an old school grind-house shock tactic. Much like how canibal holocaust was accused of being a snuff film and the controversy around it pushed it towards infamy.  Alejandro Jodorowsky kind of invented both the midnight movie ( grind house cinema ) and the pretentious student art film as we know it. A dream like mosaic of ignorant behavior. A nightmare grimour   of cardinal sins . A provocateur studying his audience to inflict actual psychological harm (rember during the time this film was playing most of the audience would have been on acid). He was a direct influence on Marylin Manson and a lot b...

  “What are you doing” - Nana “Being a burden and a disappointment…” -Drew “Don’t aggravate…”  -Nana “What are you guys into?” -Drew   In the background I hear my dad build up the courage to spit out “talking about you being a disappointment!” “Shut up Michael!” - Nana “Well, since we’re all in agreement I guess I better start making some plans.” -Drew “We’re not all in agreement!” - Nana  I can hear my dad giggling joyfully before the abyss. “Shut up Michael!” My mom says obviously losing some patience. My poor mother has MS and given the dynamics I can’t understand how she puts up with me and the rest of the family. “Seriously what you been into?” -  Nana “I was working on a blog post… but I don’t know how to articulate it so I gave up on it.” - Drew “You want to talk about it?” - Nana “Last time someone asked me that two minutes later they said ‘you know what never-mind I am not your therapist.” -Drew “Oh OK.” - Nana “…One time...